slavery

i like to play off that i am so low-maintenance and don't care about all this beauty stuff. and now i am rushing out to buy beauty treatments like a madwoman. even though i am broker than broke.

yesterday i had a nasty shock that almost drove me to plastic surgery. 

my beauty guru mary schook has this incredible camera that photographs your face and penetrates several layers beneath the skin to show you the sun damage and the ageing. 

i've got ugly sun damage on my cheeks and forehead and dappling my nose. but not that bad. it turns out i am a 3. which means that, in terms of sun damage, my skin is 3 times older than it would have been if i had stayed out of the sun.

i thank my mum for this.  i have olive green skin that doesn't burn. my mum looks quite young. but also my mum hates the beach. she hates hot weather. she likes shady places, she likes walks through the mountains. 

she cannot stand wearing a bathing suit and lying beside the sea.

so from my childhood, i can count our beach holidays on one hand. 

in fact, on 2 fingers.  this isn't to say we never went to the beach, but it was generally an afternoon trip, a swim and a picnic.

anyway, we did not sunbathe.

so that gives me a 3.

the unlucky part? the age of the skin around my mouth and chin is 57! 

my forehead is 38. my cheeks are 41. my actual years on this planet are 45.

more bizarrely, there is no blood flow to my mouth. the skin around my mouth and chin is totally white and devoid of blood vessels. 

AUGH. it's only going to get WORSE.

mary schook suggests the derma wand. a mild electrical current that stimulates the oxygen. $134.00 online. www.dermawand.com. i've got to do it everyday to wake up the bottom of my face.

also, the muscles in my cheeks are atrophied.  i need facial exercises. she recommends flex effect. ok. $89.99 at www.flexeffect.com. 

now for my eyelashes. yup. as you get older, they fall out. i was using a product called revitalash but the f.d.a changed the formula. now it's not working as well. product 3 www.neulash.com. $150.00 plus tax, shipping & handling.

yup. that's right. i am a slave now. hardcore. 

no botox, fillers or plastic surgery. but don't let my subversive version of it fool you. i am chasing the anti-ageing mob as hard as the rest of them.